Embrace what you want
by BlueDecember27
Summary: The new lab assistant has asked Chloe out on a date but this evening isn t going well for neither Chloe nor Lucifer. Can they still turn it around together somehow? A story about dealing with thoughts, wishes and feelings. Has some humor in it but there is more drama potential. I suck at summaries


Embrace what you want 

The new lab assistant has asked Chloe out on a date but this evening isn´t going well for neither Chloe nor Lucifer. Can they still turn it around together?

A story with some sad thoughts

 **Disclaimer: I don´t owe nothing. Lucifer is a series on FOX. All rights belong to FOX**

* * *

"Congratulations, Detective. Case closed" Lucifer said while Chloe was quickly packing her stuff into her bag. "Are we in a little hurry?" he asked.

" **We** are certainly not but **I** am late for my date, if you wanna know so badly"

Lucifer sighted. "Are you really gonna go out with that dork? I thought you were just joking about it"

"He´s not a dork, Lucifer, he´s a nice guy. And when a nice guy is asking me out, why should I say no?" Lucifer didn´t get a chance to answer that because Chloe had finished packing disappeared through the door.

* * *

Brandon, the lab assistant, took Chloe to a small restaurant, somewhere in the more quiet part of the city. He had picked her up like a real gentleman, made compliments about the dress she was wearing and talked about casual and random things trying to start a non- work related conversation. It could have been a perfect date with a perfect man _but this is neither the place nor the man I want to be with right now_. The thought had barely crossed her mind when Brandon asked: "Chloe, are you alright?" She looked up and realized that she had been staring at the candle in front of her.

"Oh… yes. I´m fine, thank you. It´s just … No! Nevermind"

"Come on. You can tell me"

"Really, it´s nothing. Look … This has been an exhausting and complicated week for me. In an emotional way" She saw that Brandon nodded while he was listening to her. He was trying to make her feel good at this date.

"But now I´m here to enjoy the food and the wine" Chloe forced herself to a smile when she saw the expected little relief on his face.

The date went on but Chloe barely noticed what he was talking about. She was trying to get a clear head but yet she found herself lost in thoughts about Lucifer again and again. How their relationship has changed during the last year, how they´ve developed a sort of friendship, how they have played the piano together, how she fell asleep in his arms the other night knowing that he wouldn´t take advantage of her situation, how she hugged him and how he leaned in for the hug and softly pulled her closer to his chest. She was longing for these moments, _longing for him._

* * *

"Bloody hell, what´s going on now?"

The day has already been ruined for Lucifer at this point. The Detective was on her important date, probably enjoying this dork´s silly jokes, while lux was closed tonight so he had nothing to do. And the thought that this guy was with Chloe right now brought back a terrible but familiar feeling Lucifer has thought he had not to worry about anymore. If only I knew what it was. He was sure it wasn´t jealousy, he had ruled that out some time ago. And because the Doctor and Maze were having a girl´s night out he had no one to talk about it either. _Well, there is something I could do to divert myself from this unpleasant feeling_ but he gave up the idea of seducing a girl very quickly.

Instead he headed back to his penthouse, poured himself a drink and started playing. Although Lucifer had nothing special in mind all the notes and chords, all those sweet scales and patterns he used to like that much had a bitter sound and made him feel even worse. So he was trying to play something nice. Trying to give the beloved smile on the Detective´s face a melody, catch the soft sound of her voice he heard whenever she put down her strict and strong mask. Everything made him just more – _could it really be?_ – sad.

But he kept on playing. Because if he had stopped playing, his wall would instantly collide and he would be forced to confront all those locked emotions. He had to admit that his wall was already crumbling and with every chunk that fell down, Lucifer felt the feared ache in his shoulders cut deeper into his flesh.

* * *

Chloe found herself on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant breathing in the refreshing cold air of a spring night.

 _My first date for over a decade. Congratulations for screwing it up, Detective Decker._ She felt somehow ashamed. It was not long ago when she had noticed that she was finally ready for a new relationship. Ready to fall in love again, have another family except from Dan. Although they both try to let Trixie grow up with a mother and a father without being affected by a divorce, Chloe had been wanting someone to share a life with again.

 _And what did you do with your chance? Here is a really nice guy with his heart on the right spot and you..?_ But deep down she knew that this friendly and gentle man wasn´t what she was looking for, that he couldn´t make her happy. **And that terrified her the most.**

Brandon, who had just paid for dinner stepped out of the building. "It was a nice evening Chloe"

There it was: that awkward moment when you don´t know how to say goodbye to someone after a first date. And especially when you don´t want to hurt anyone by telling them, that there probably won´t be a second one. So she just said: "Yes. I enjoyed it very much"

Brandon laughed out. "Come on, don´t fool yourself. I could tell that you mostly weren´t even listening to what I was saying. Am I really so boring?" Chloe, who didn´t expect that, felt guilty and hurried to respond. "No, no! Don't say that" was all she was able to say in her surprise.

"Was it the ambience then? Did I do something wrong? Tell me!" Chloe was desperately trying to find the right words. "It is not your fault at all, Brandon! Look, I … uhm … I have to deal with many things right now. Many new things that relate to people I care about. I just can´t allow myself to focus on other stuff because If I did, it would make things even more complicated"

"Then at least tell me what to do to make all this easier? How can I help you?"

"You can´t" The moment these words came out of her mouth she knew it was the truth. "You can´t Brandon. You´re simply not the one who´s able to do that" Chloe looked into his eyes and waiting for his reaction. He was just standing there, completely silent, and every possible anger that she has seen before was gone.

"Well …" he started after a while "Guess I´m gonna see you at work"

Chloe didn´t know how to answer that. "I am sorry" Brandon gave her a weak smile. "I hope you´ll find the one able to help you." She nodded and took a deep breath when she realized that she was letting a truly nice man go because of him.

"Or you´ve already found him and you´re just too afraid to confess it"

Brandon studied her expression. "So you noticed" she asked. "Chloe, I´ve been in a similar situation so let me tell you this: Take a risk. Embrace what you really want deep down, do whatever feels good and stop thinking about the 'why' and 'what´s next' too much"

"Yeah, but the last time someone gave me that advise it didn´t really turn out well" she answered.

"Guess that´s why it´s called a risk, Chloe" She looked up. "And you´re not mad at me?"

"No. Of course not. It simply shouldn´t be. Neither of us can change that" She gave Brandon a small hug. "Thank you" And like this Chloe said goodbye to him, turned around and walked to the main street to look for a cab. "Where are you going to, young Madam?" the driver asked. _I have asked myself the same question again and again._ 'Take a risk' Brandon´s words still echoed in her mind. And then she decided to do what felt right, not to think about it for too long and just go where she really had wanted to be this evening. So she answered "To lux"

* * *

He didn´t know when he has stopped playing. Lucifer found himself standing on the balcony, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the cold wind up there and trying not to shiver from the unbelievable pain in his shoulders.

 _What´s happening to me, father?_ He looked up to the sky. _Why would you punish me again? Isn´t that really my job, the one **you** gave me?_

But there was no answer. No cloud formation, no rain. _Of course not. Why would you reply to your son? It´s not like you have done something before to show your presence. Oh… right._

Still nothing. So Lucifer closed his eyes again, forcing himself not to shout out some curses to the sky and make the pain even worse. He didn´t hear the tone of his elevator when the doors opened. He didn´t hear the steps of her shoes. The moment he noticed Chloe was when she appeared next to him at the railing, softly touching his arm.

"Detective" he whispered, surprised by her shocked expression. "Lucifer, you´re hurt" The first second he didn´t know what she was talking about. "Gosh, you´re bleeding" Chloe placed her hand at his neck, softly turning him around. "What happened to you back?"

"Oh this" Seeing her had made him forget about his pain. "Nothing really. Just some old wounds, I suppose" He turned back ignoring the pressure, took a close look at her. Chloe was beautiful. Her curly hair was falling down on her shoulders, she hadn´t put on much makeup, just enough to point out her naturally pretty cheeks and lips. But Lucifer noticed the sad look in her eyes.

"Is everything alright, Detective? Did something happen on your date?" he asked. "That doesn´t matter now, Lucifer. You´re injured" she tried to take another look at his back but he remained motionless. "It does matter to me"

Chloe sighted. She knew he wouldn´t give in until she told him what he wanted to know. "I don´t really wanna talk about it right now. So come in with me and let´s take care of these wounds" Lucifer didn´t seem satisfied but he did not protest when Chloe led him to his couch. He watched her while she brought together some towels and alcohol to sterilize his injuries. "The bleeding has stopped a bit but I still have to take a look at it" she explained.

"Okay. Take off your shirt" Lucifer smirked. "I suppose this is not exactly how the evenings on your other first dates went, Detective. But if you insist…" Chloe rolled her eyes and started to come up with an answer but hesitated when she saw Lucifer´s agonized face and his strained posture. She realized in how much pain he really was despite his behaviour and attempts to assure her that he was okay. "Wait. Let me help you" Chloe didn´t wait for permission. She sat down next to him so that he showed her his back and gently slipped the sleeves of his arms.

"Oh … Lucifer" She had to catch her breath when the shirt revealed the bleeding scars. The flesh looked like it has been torn apart or burned or everything at the same time. The skin tissue, once looking like it had been struck by lightning, was now bumpy and moist. "How could you not notice that?"

Cloe wasn´t aware of how long she had been staring at his scars and how he has been silent all the time. "Lucifer" she asked a bit louder "How did that happen?"

"I … I don´t know how, Detective. They haven´t bled since … well, since I got them" Chloe remembered the story Lucifer had told her when she found out about them. "Okay" she said quietly. "I know that you won´t like it but to take care of them I need to …" She interrupted herself, because there was no need to say more. He understood. "Lucifer, can I touch your scars?"

He didn´t respond for a while but then, after some time, she heard a weak "yes".

"Thank you." Chloe poured out the alcohol on one of the towels and was about to touch the first scar with it but then stopped. She reached for Lucifer´s hand, stroked his wrist and interlaced her fingers with his. She would be with him. They would go through this pain together.

Lucifer was thankful for that. He tried to focus on the Detectives warm hand, her small fingers holding his in a strong but gentle way while tracing small circles on his skin. He dived into that feeling completely forgetting about his aching back. _What is that woman? Making me vulnerable whenever I´m next to her and then taking care of the wounds?_

He sat up. "Did I hurt you?" Chloe asked feeling a bit insecure. "No Detective. It´s nothing. Go on" She continued and Lucifer couldn´t stop wondering how she made him feel like that.

Chloe was already done. Except that one time he didn´t even flinch a bit. "Looks like we´re done here" She said. "Thank you" Lucifer turned back to her. "So now that my problem is fixed you have to tell me about yours"

"Why do you think I have problem, Lucifer?" He gave Chloe a sad smile.

"I can´t say that I feel sorry about it but really: I didn´t expect you to be here the evening of your big date. So tell me …" She realized that they were still holding hands when Lucifer softly rubbed his thumb over hers. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Lucifer. That´s why I am here" He looked her in the eye. "I´m afraid I don´t understand"

Chloe took a deep breath. "It was a normal date in a normal restaurant and Brandon was nice. But it was hard to focus on it. I found myself lost in thoughts again and again. I barely know what he was even talking about. I felt nothing" Lucifer placed his free hand on her cheek wiping away a single tear. Chloe hadn´t even noticed that she was crying. "Oh god. I´m sorry. It´s just … I guess I am a little tired"

"You don´t have to apologize, Detective" Lucifer gave her an encouraging smile. "Come on" He stood up. "Let me pour you a drink. You certainly need it" She laughed. "Yeah. I really do"

"By the way. I am the one who owes you an apology. It seems like there is a bit blood on your lovely dress"

"Oh" Chloe looked down on herself. "Well, I wasn´t going to wear this again anyway. I´m feeling like Elisabeth Swan in Pirates of the Caribbean" Now Lucifer was the one who laughed. "What a shame. We have to fix that. There are some comfortable baseball-shirts and yoga pants in my closet over there"

"Riiggght. Because all I want from life is to wear shirts that one of your liaisons left here"

"Noooo" He acted offended. "They belong to me. We all have secrets sides. Don´t give me that look" He added when he saw Chloe´s amused face. "Okay. I´m gonna go change my outfit if you promise me that we will do yoga together while watching baseball someday" Lucifer nodded and gave her the most serious look.

"My word is my bond, Darling" So Chloe disappeared in the closet while shouting "You better put on some shirt on, too" He smiled. "Oh, and Lucifer?" she had turned around. "Thanks for cheering me up"

When she stepped out of the closet, Chloe wasn´t wearing a baseball outfit. She has found black pants and a blue flannel shirt that fitted her perfectly. And she was a bit relieved when she saw that also Lucifer wasn´t half naked anymore. Instead he was sitting on the edge of his bed, holding two drinks in his hands and staring to the ground. He must have been lost in thoughts because he didn´t even notice that Chloe was watching him. For the first time she realized how tired he really looked. His hair was sticking up in all directions, he slouched his shoulders and had dark circles under his eyes. She sat down next to him and took the glass he offered her. "Today was a mess"

"I can totally agree with that, Detective" She touched his arm so he would look up. Chloe studied his dark eyes. "Lucifer, you´re exhausted. Why don´t you go to sleep?" He didn´t answer that. Instead he swallowed the rest of the bourbon and asked "Do you think I´m being punished?" There was no amusement in his voice, no sexual interest like always. "No" she replied.

"Then why do I feel so? My entire life, the life I used to love, seems to change. And not only mine but also the life of others. But instead of freaking out, people just … go with it"

"But life is change, Lucifer. And you´re not the only one who is freaking out about it. That´s why people are looking for something eternal, that´s why they are fascinated by the idea of religion, architecture, culture and art. It shows them how they affect each other"

"Yes, but it seems that the only way I affect people is by hurting them or their feelings"

Chloe put her glass away and grabbed Lucifer´s face with her hands forcing him to look at her. "Is this what bothered you the last weeks? If so then listen to me now: How can you say that you only hurt people or that you´re pure evil when I know that it´s not what you really do? You are a pain in the ass, Lucifer. You rarely show respect, you are harsh and cocky towards others, you don´t play by the rules and you love to upset people by telling them the ugly truth" She could see the pain in his eyes. He knew exactly what others thought about his behaviour. "But you are also there for the people you care about, you are gentle and soft and nice and you are trustworthy in the moments when someone needs to count on you the most. And that´s why others care about you. This whole evening proved that."

Lucifer still didn´t reply but she could see a little bit of the strain on his shoulders disappear. And Chloe couldn´t tell if it was this confession she had made or the exhaustion but eventually she lay down to his bed, gently pulling Lucifer with her and placed his head on her lap where she continued to run her fingers through his hair.

He closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the heat of her body beneath him and her touches, he felt his mind drift of as the fatigue took over his body.

 _He does care_ Chloe thought. She should have realized it earlier. _Every time he acted jealous, every time he had told me about his 'rush', every time he was concerned about my well-being, every time he told me that he would never lie to me, every time he feared that I might be afraid of him or that he was hurting me, every time he gave me that smile, every time he had saved my life, every time …_

Chloe didn´t want to think about it anymore. She crawled down to his height, wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. Lucifer pulled her closer and placed a warm kiss on her forehead. "Good night, Chloe" he said.

And the last thought that had crossed her mind before she fell asleep was that even if they had a complicated relationship, even if they would have to take many more risks before actually confessing their love for each other, they would take all of them. Because she knew that everything she wanted right now was to lie next to him and cuddle. All she had needed to do was to embrace that.

* * *

Hope you guys enjoyed reading my very first fanfiction. However ... English is not my mother tongue so please correct any small mistakes because writing fanfictions is also a great way to practice for school. You can also give me advices how to improve my style of writing. Did you like it or is there something that bothered you?

Tell me.


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